Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.