Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!