Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
me as a parent
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.