Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.