[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
stand with me against insufficient seating
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.