me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.