@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

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@mortimermaiden

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

@longwall26

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

@Arroia

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@oPinotNated

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@Book_Krazy

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

@lisaOoOo

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

@VerifiedDrunk

Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana