Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
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“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
A leaf blower, but for people.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?