me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?