me after eating Cheetos

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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.


Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.


Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…


That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.


Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?


My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while


Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred


And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.