me after eating Cheetos
You Might Also Like
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?