@suecorvette

me after eating Cheetos

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@SortaBad

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

@Schroofles

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@sadmonsters

Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?

@LIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@SomthinBoutSara

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.