me after eating Cheetos

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me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.


If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.


my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.


[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.


Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.


ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family


Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!


Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…