me after i passed that state trooper
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The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Come back with a warrant
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People