me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Nice try Hitler
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets