me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I want this so bad
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Brother?
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time