me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest