Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.