me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]