ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”