Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
This fish is cracking me up
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and