me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.