Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.