Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You Might Also Like
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
worst…sale…ever
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics