Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
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HEYYYY MACARENA
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer