ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.