Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
This sounds bad:
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.