ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids