Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!