Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
don’t be scared
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
based al yankovic
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲