Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me linking you to my twitter
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice