Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes