Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
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Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Webb. James Webb.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.