Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*