Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.