Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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Seems kinda suspicious
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Monday Lisa
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Mad Max Arctic Road
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”