Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
never forget
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
This is my bus stop.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught