Me :
All Day At Night
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Pretty certain I can more drunk