Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
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The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Nose
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it