ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
🤣🤣💀
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house