ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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