Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare