[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
awkward
Stop sending me this shit.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.