Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
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wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My purse is deeper than some people.
Shoo shoo! 😂
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking