Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
You Might Also Like
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it