Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You Might Also Like
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Sharon I have some bad news
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?