me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?