Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
🤣could you imagine
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.