Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You Might Also Like
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Before & after 😅
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
welp
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”