@Holy_Mowgli

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

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@robfee

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

@LuvPug

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@E_lok44

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

@ArfMeasures

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

@Fun_Beard

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

@JeffNewtonTV

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR