me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
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Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Husband of the year 😂
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.