[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180