Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks