Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I have a black belt in leather