Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.